Now my fear has overwhelmed me. For so long I had never taste such helplessness in my life, now slowly it return to me. Am I getting a depression? Maybe. I can't help it. Sometime I feel like nobody really care what I had been doing so far. Can't blame them though, because I didn't do much anyway. My Bible tells me not to see what people react to me, what they say about me, can I really do that? Can I move on when people don't give a damn about me? Can I lead when people bother a shit of what I say? Before that, am I leading? I mean, am I really leading them? It's been two years I'm leading, went through falls and rise, I'm taking the blame for the falls but IT HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH ME when it finally revive. Sometime I feel so useless when I stay in the group, I can't really help, and i think I can't help them at all. I want to get out, I want to run away. But You won't let me! You took away my peace even when I have that thought, but I felt unhelpful when I'm in the group. What You want me to do then? My heart was grieved. Sadden by days. Darkness and fear consume my heart, where is my joy? Have You put a curse on me? and You let the curse one to lead Your people? Is that a joke? For two years I had been living in guild, having to failed miserable in the leadership. Guilty of destroying Your ministry, now it came back up, why still me? I'm so ashame to face them, especially now they are far ahead of me. I got to get out from there, I had failed them once, I don't intended to fail them twice.

Lord, please uphold them. Whatever the wrong things they had done, it's not their intension. May You put the blame in my account, as I had fail to lead them to the right path. Let me taste death if I harm them, curse me if I put them in jeopardy. Lord build a wall surrounded them, unite them like You and Your Father. Let them be strong and courages, as they will fight many battles in their lives. They will be the agent of change in the world, they will speak against unrighteous, serve with compassion, speak word of mercy, act justly, proclaim the message of love. The world will not understand their transformation but their transformation will bring the understanding of Your words into the world. Your salvation will flow from them to all the people who see their actions. Through their faith, Your Lordship will be proclaims. My Lord, my God, my Maker, and my friend, how I long to see the revival of the youth when I still holding my breath. How I yearn to see that they encounter You in person, up-close-and-personal, while I still on earth. Lord, let their grow be my strength in serving, let their joy be my answers in prayer. Hence Lord, don't give me joy before them but Let their victory rejoicing be my joy. For the Lord's plan never failed, for your faithfullness is everlasting.

Now it's the time. Battle horn is sounded. Now is the time. The army of God will march on in the banner of Christ. Amen.